


"If you were drowned at sea"

by ana711lidia



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21631381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana711lidia/pseuds/ana711lidia
Summary: A week and a half had painfully passed by since Buck returned to duty and his relationship with the team was still off, which changed dramatically after the events of that afternoon shook them to the core. A call at the pier ends with Buck falling on the water, at first he tries to swim but eventually, everything feels too much and he gives up. After rescuing him and rushing to the hospital, Eddie realizes he gave up on himself and decides to own up his feelings.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz
Comments: 10
Kudos: 146
Collections: 911 fanfic2456





	"If you were drowned at sea"

**Author's Note:**

> *title from a Kodaline song;  
> *Thank you @hellobuddie for the idea based on a Grey's Anatomy episode, I had a lot of fun working with it.

A week and a half had painfully passed by since Buck returned to duty and his relationship with the team was still off, which changed dramatically after the events of that afternoon shook them to the core. It had been a quiet shift until this call at the pier, Buck could feel the shiver down his spine and his heartbeat suddenly rushing as soon as they arrived at the scene and faced the front line hit by the catastrophe, clearly still in the city's reconstruction work. Bobby followed by the rest of the team gave Buck a knowing look and headed towards a man crying out for help standing near the edge of the pier.

"I'm captain Bobby Nash and this is my team, we're here to help- As he said those words he got closer to the man- Can you take a deep breath and tell me where you're injured?" 

That question send the man further into despair with shallow breaths and tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"I'm not injured, it's not me. My friend, he's drowning down there, you have to save him please, I should have done something."- His hand pointed at the water beneath them with a frenetic gesture which was enough to trigger the Cap's quick response. 

"Eddie you're with me on the lifeboat, Hen, and Chim I'm gonna need you guys on the beach standing by- He looked at the man with an understanding and inquiring expression- What's your friend's name and how long ago did he fall?" 

"Maybe 10 minutes ago. His name is Josh but he didn't fell, he jumped."- The last word came accompanied by a hiccup.

Cap turned at Eddie on his right and didn't waste any more time-"Let's move fast if we're looking at suicide he might not be trying to swim at all". 

Since Buck's name had been left out before he looked at Bobby a little lost -"Cap? Where do you want me?". 

He was already on the move when he spoke -"Right here Buck, do a quick check-up on him, calm him down and see what information you can find out". 

Just like over the course of the week the orders he received felt like a punishment. It made him feel like he didn't deserve to be in the line of action having their back but he brushed off that feeling and looked at the man in front of him. 

"Alright, my name is Buck and I'm gonna need you to follow my instructions and answer a few questions. Let's start with your name". 

"Noah"- Buck approached him slowly and grabbed his wrist. 

"So your heartbeat it's too fast-paced and your breath is a little irregular which isn't unusual given the circumstances, nothing to be concerned."

Noah couldn't find his voice yet and just nodded which made Buck proceed with caution -"Why don't you tell me what happened? You're safe here and my colleagues are down there doing their best to find Josh."

"It's my fault"- He shook his head in disbelief.

"You've said that before, what do you mean by that?" 

"I should have seen the signs of depression after he was laid off, I tried to be there for him but it wasn't the help he needed. Today he just sent me this cryptic text sounding an awful lot like goodbye, his location was here and I rushed still not making it in time, he was standing on the ledge and just jumped… I don't understand how could he do that?"

The crying started all over again even more intensely making Buck chose his words wisely -"Look I can't pretend I know what went through his mind before he made that choice but I can tell you that he is going to need your support now more than ever. You can't hold it against him if things got to a point where this was the only exit he saw."

"But he saw me and still took that step forward, he left me and I didn't even had the chance to tell him that I was in love with him."

Those words hit Buck like a punch reminding him of his own unrequited and unspoken feelings for Eddie.- "He wasn't thinking about who he was leaving behind, he was looking for peace in a desperate way".

While he got wrapped up in his own chaotic feelings it seemed that Noah has become agitated and panicking again. 

When he spoke the words came at a worrying speed-"It's not fair that he's out there somewhere giving up and I'm here safe and speaking to you."

He looked at the man's chest starting to rise and drop at a quick speed in a clumsy way- "Noah the best you can do for him is to remain calm and leave the search and rescue for my team." 

He was obviously spiraling down at a scary speed-"No! You don't understand! I need to be with him, I should be looking for him and I have to find him."

Before Buck could prevent his following steps the man rushed to the pier making the final steps that separated him from the end of the walkway. -"Please step back, don't give us another concern!" 

The firefighter tried to move quietly behind him, coming from his right but the man has still startled -"No! Get away from me."- He was full-on gesturing wildly and accidentally managed to hit Buck causing his fall. 

First, he was falling and then he felt the ice-cold embrace of the water wash through his body like a bitter memory awakening the adrenaline who kicked in immediately like an after shot of the tsunami. 

At first, he tried to fight while every cell in his body seemed to be reliving the tragedy once again and he even went up for air one last time. Living itself had been like diving into cold water on a hot summer day, the pleasure, the shock, the softness of the sun's rays penetrating the water molecules, the sweet silence, and suddenly the desperate ardor that screams for air.

That was how he knew something was wrong when his numb, indifferent body let the water flood his lungs without any instinct for survival when the urge or the strength to return and breathe didn't come. That's when his own words came spiraling, "You can't hold it against him if things got to a point where this was the only exit he saw". He had caused so much pain with the lawsuit and he still felt the team drifting away from him, his body was so tired of fighting to survive. Maybe he was right, could anyone blame him for not fighting after the trauma he had been through? 

Although he was certainly wrong about something else, you do think about the people you're leaving behind. Actually, they're your last thoughts and strength which leed his mind to the horrifying thought of his team finding his body. His final thoughts, however, were set on one person in particular, Eddie. 

Seconds after Bobby and Eddie rushed Josh's unconscious body to the beach where Chim and Hen took over the compressions, he looked back at the sea and saw what looked like a turmoil in a small area, like someone had just hit the water. -"Hey Cap? Has Buck said anything over the radio?" 

The man looked at him and shook his head in response before grabbing his radio- "Buck? Come in, how is Noah feeling? Josh is unconscious but Hen found a pulse, he should be alright." 

After the dead silence he heard from the other side he couldn't help but question a little concerned- "Why do you ask, Eddie?". 

"I have a bad feeling Cap, I think I saw the water stirred just beneath Buck's location and I'm only seeing one of them up there.".

Cap turned around to look in that direction and tried to maintain the calm as usual-"I'm sure he's fine, he can be reckless but not that much. There's no way he would jump and try to look for Josh on his own." 

That had been his first thought too although something was making him lean in a different explanation-"But maybe he didn't jump, Noah was clearly agitated and still in shock."

"Let's no jump to conclusions yet, we'll head back and see if everything is good". 

Eddie nodded trying to push down that bad feeling taking over him when he saw Chim's face become confused and scared before yelling out Buck's name. As he followed his look he saw him appear above the water for a few seconds before disappearing again. Before he could think straight or even consider any protocol to follow his body lead him into the water swimming in his direction. He heard Bobby's voice vaguely in the background asking him to wait while he went back to the boat but Eddie knew he couldn't wait, not if Buck was the one in danger once again. 

He couldn't experience that feeling of losing him one more time, over and over he had stood by his side feeling powerless after whatever life would throw at him while putting his own feelings aside. 

When he arrived the man was nowhere near to be found, it took him a lot of trips underwater and above before he could find Buck, who looked so peaceful drifting deeper into the dark portion of the ocean, eyes closed and arms stretched to the void looking some twisted kind of peaceful.

As soon as he reached the surface carrying the body his lips yelled for Cap’s help while Buck’s lips were losing their color, his body unresponsive to Eddie’s touch. And before he could become desperate with the image of the man he loved turning lifeless in his arms, Bobby was by his side helping him lift Buck into the small boat. He started the compressions himself with no time to lose until Chim and Hen took over when they realized how physically and emotionally drained he was, they found a bit of resistance but eventually, he gave them the control and gently grabbed Buck’s hand after Bobby placed a heating blanket over him. For what it felt like hours their attempts to bring him back seemed doomed until Eddie felt a little squeeze in his hand which at first he almost considered a hallucination before they watched relieved as Buck began regaining his senses and coughing water while struggling to catch his breath.

"You’re okay, I’ve got you. You’re okay now".- Eddie hopped to sound reassuring or calming but his voice was still breaking with fear and tears were blurring his vision. No one even questioned his place next to Buck in the back of the second ambulance requested to the station, followed by the one transporting Josh and Noah who was eventually found where they had left him, coming back from a panic attack that took over as soon as he realized what he had done. 

Eventually, their hands were separated when the doctors who waited for them at the hospital took Buck for examination leaving the team behind on the waiting room for a while until they received the confirmation that he was okay, just needed to stay overnight for observation and someone to take him home in the morning. 

Eddie felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest even though he still had one concern that made him pull Cap aside- "There’s something I don’t understand, Buck is a really good swimmer. I found him drifting into the bottom, not even trying." 

"Eddie, you and I both know how disorientated and panicked drowning victims can become, we’ve seen it first hand"- He was using the same tone of voice he used with the victim's families. 

That's not what Eddie was implying-"He didn’t just survive the tsunami, he kept Christopher safe and saved many lives. From the way my son still remembers that day and speaks about what Buck did... There’s no way he would go down without a fight." 

The realization hit Bobby's eyes yet he still needed to hear the words-"What exactly are you saying?".

"I’m saying that at some point he found himself alone and gave up fighting. And we're to blame, I'm to blame. I haven't had a proper conversation with him since he's been back, we're supposed to have each other's backs and I failed him at his worst."- Once again his voice failed him with the raw emotion visible and pulsing. 

"Maybe it's time we have that talk, you should go first. You two clearly have a lot to talk over and I truly hope you don't need to watch him in danger again to get those words out."- He placed his hand on Eddie's shoulder and gave him a knowing look before leaving. 

And so did he after cleaning the tears on his cheeks but when he got to Buck's room the man was asleep. Once again all he could do for the time being was sit at his side and hold his hand and that's how he woke up the next day, while Maddie stared down at both of them with two coffees in her hands. 

"I'm sorry did I woke you up? I spent the night here and saw you did too so I went to grab us both a coffee"- She sat at another chair on the opposite side of the bed and handed him the coffee.

"No it's fine, thank you."- When he tried to reach for the coffee he realized his hand was still in the same place which Maddie also noticed with a smile. 

"He should be getting out soon, Bobby called me and said someone needed to drive him home but you wouldn't probably let anyone do it but yourself".

"If it's alright with you. I'm taking him to my place so we can talk".

"It's about time that happened, what you two have its too special to lose over pride or a bruised ego".

Eddie looked down at Buck still sleeping and made the question that was lingering around on his mind-"How has he been lately?"- He looked away too scared to face the answer.

"Honestly not so good. You know he talks about you like you hang the moon and the stars since you two met? He loves you and Chris so much, it's killing him to be pushed away from his family".

The vision of Buck talking to Maddie fondly about him and his son followed by the idea of his suffering being caused by him made his heart twist with pain in his chest before he tried to reassure himself with the following words -"I'll make it right, I promise. He deserves more." 

Maddie got up and placed a kiss on her brother’s forehead before touching Eddie’s hand-"I know you will. I'll talk to the doctor to see when you can be on your way". 

After Buck woke up and got the doctor's permission, they left the hospital and about half an hour later arrived at Eddie's neighborhood, upon leaving he told Buck he could stay at his place and after reassuring him it was what he wanted the man had smiled shyly before agreeing. As soon as they got in he couldn’t help but ask- “Is Christopher home?”.

Eddie leed him to the couch before answering- "Carla stayed with him tonight and took him to school in the morning. But Bobby gave me the day off so we can pick him up this afternoon, he really misses you, we both do."

"I’m really sorry for everything, things got away from my control".

Eddie shook his head and interrupted him before he could apologize even more- “No, you did what you had to do to, in a desperate way. I didn’t bring you here to hear you apologize, I wanted to make things right between us and there are some things I’ve been meaning to tell you so just hear me out. I won’t risk losing you again without letting you know how I feel for you and the impact you have on my life. Ever since the tsunami, I’ve been questioning our entire relationship, the thought of you in danger crushes me and I’ve realized I love the way you make my kid so genuinely happy, I love having you by my side and how safe it makes me feel even though I hate how easily you put yourself in danger for others regardless of any consequences. And I hate myself for not forgiving you sooner and for making you feel like you could give up fighting, because I love you Buck and you can’t do that again”.

He leaned closer to Eddie and spoke almost in a whisper- "I’m not giving up on you again, I love you too much. But I think I need more help, Eddie I’m so tired of surviving and I don’t think I can recover by myself this time. I just stood there without any instinct to live when suddenly I saw an exit that didn’t require facing everything again, I stopped swimming and It felt so quiet, almost too easy. There’s something wrong and I can’t go through it alone."

His shoulders started to shake while he was sobbing desperately as if he had lifted a weight that had accompanied him for too long forcing him down, so Eddie pulled him in his arms and held him while whispering softly- "I’m sorry you had to go through that but you are not alone now and we are going to get you the help you need and figure everything out together. You have all the time and support in the world Evan. I'll wait"- He felt Buck's body calm down over the next hour, drifting to a quiet and calmer state in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make my day! All feedback is welcome and appreciated :)  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Suggestions or prompts are also welcome 😊


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